I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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