Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
