You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
