So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
