but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
