I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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