Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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