I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
