I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
