hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
