i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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