I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
