I just made out with a guy for $7.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
