How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
