Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
