I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
