i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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