Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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