Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
