this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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