I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
