im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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