1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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