i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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