is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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