Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
