I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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