I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
