I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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