New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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