I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
