I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
