Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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