I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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