That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They have beer where we have blood.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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