Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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