In the future we'll all be gay
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
