I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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