ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
