there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
