this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
