So drunk its hurt
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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