so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
