I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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