How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Boobs are out for the taking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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