how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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