I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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