we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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