How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
