she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
