Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize