Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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