One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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