My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Welp...herpes.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
sarcasm needs its own font
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
