i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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