If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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