i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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