taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
