i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
