I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
